There are so many dumb how-to & diy posts on the interwebs. I am all the more aware of this since joining pinterest (which also has many good qualities – I particularly like my friend Clayton’s pins). Not to pick on you if you are more diy than me, but I can barely paint my fingernails, let alone do fancy things with sponges and toothpicks. I don’t want to cut up the t-shirts I’ve been wearing for years; they have lasted this long in my wardrobe for a reason. If you use the words corkboard, modge-podge, and lazy-susan in the same sentence, there is something wrong with you. So don’t even think about complaining about my awesome how-to project today. There are far worse things out there.

While we are on the subject, I would like a how-to on getting all of the gross stuff out of my kitchen sink strainer/plug without having to scoop the leftover bits out with my fingers. I hate doing that. Who’s with me? Who’s clever enough to come up with a solution?

And here are few things I can contribute to the how-to discussion. First, I freeze all of my leftover pesto, sofrito, tomato sauce, fruit juice, etc in an ice cube tray (not mixed. gross.) and then transfer them into a freezer bag. Then I can take out just the portion I want without defrosting a giant container. For whatever reason, this never ceases to amaze my guests. Apparently it is my contribution to the world. More importantly, I can eat pesto all winter. Second, I often make extra cookie dough, shape the cookies on a baking sheet, freeze on the baking sheet so they don’t stick together, and (again) transfer to a freezer bag. This way, if I’m too busy to make cookies and really want one, I can just pop it into the toaster oven, or I can make a whole batch if people are coming over. I can also toast it just part way and have raw cookie dough whenever I want it. Hooray! See, these are the kinds of tips that need to be posted over and over again. I trust that all of you readers agree and are similarly appalled by how-to’s that don’t involve cookie dough.

Okay, here is the real, and super helpful how-to, which can easily be adapted to work with birds and other precarious items in your home.

Two minute project!

Cochas Grande, our lovely gourd bird from Peru, is unstable. He regularly falls, and I always wince, ready for him to crack or lose his beak. Earthquake putty (which I suspect is just poster putty) doesn’t work with his twig feet/talons. So, today I made him a harness. Huzzah! I just used fishing line and an eyelet screw. It took about 30 seconds. I would recommend this for any small sculpture, precarious item, or fragile object in a high traffic area. The harness is unobtrusive, and we don’t have to worry so much about what would happen to Cochas in the event of an earthquake. Or in the event that we want to retrieve something in the closet he protects (which happens to be our only closet). Or in the event that we walk within 5 feet of him. Unstable bird no more!

Without further ado, a step-by-step photo guide on how to harness your own birds.

See how minimal it is?

Eyelet in the wall.

Harness around the invisible wings.

See how he guards the closet?

Clearly happy with his harness.

Talons for mauling, not perching.